Written on August 13, 2014
If you’ve been following along, it hasn’t been the greatest few weeks for me, and this last one has been particularly trying on my mind/soul.
Even yesterday, I had to leave Sweetwater early to make sure I handled the stress and dark thoughts appropriately instead of letting it build until 1-2AM. I’ve been so self destructive lately and turning to/ fantasizing about self mutilation so frequently, I knew pushing through and ignoring what was going on wasn’t going to help hose down those disturbing thoughts that bring so much relief.
I was beating myself up so much over it.
I mean, I’m beating myself up about a lot of things, but Sweetwater is my baby. I want so much for that show and for the comics who perform, I felt like I failed. Not only could I not get my head straight the couple hours I was there, but I never got it straight. I left to go home and sit in the dark.
Like, what a weak ass.
What a loser.
What a failure.
I felt like I failed the comics. Like I had failed Daniel and Sweetwater.
But then…around 1AM…
I started getting texts about how awesome the rest of the show went.
I got texts telling me comics who killed it and how much fun the rest of the show was.
I get to Facebook this morning and see this from a comic I personally think is one of the best in Austin right now and who was performing with us for a second time last night:
I had a beautiful time at the Sweetwater mic last night watching my friends Justin Biske, Ella Gale, Brent Peasley, Tafadzwa Gwaze, & Anthony Ferrando all kill hard in front of a fairly difficult room. Really, just a great uplifting time—I’ve been so thrilled watching my little cohort of comics while we all improve together in this scene. Sometimes the long grind of open mic after open mic really feels worth it.
Another comic who performed at SW for the first time last night that I also very much look to as one of the best in town ATM commented to the post with :
That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time.
It’s really hard to describe what Sweetwater is to me and what it has been to me the last month.
If anything, it’s probably been what’s kept me somewhat sane the last couple of weeks… I’ve had something to pour my heart into that I really, really care about and it’s for a community I really, really care about.
As important and special it is to me, though,
it’s nothing if it can’t be special to the comics and audiences that all the work is for.
First and foremost, I want to have a place for comics to kill hard every week. I want a place that all comics feel welcome performing at or just hanging out at. I want a place that will eventually give more exposure to this scene and its comics. I want a place all comics can feel good at.
For some reason, this opportunity fell into my lap. For some reason, Daniel remembered me and asked me to put on a comedy night at Sweetwater – a bar he recently purchased and completely and beautifully re-did – and for some reason him and his staff have been overwhelmingly supportive and helpful and kind to me/the show. For some reason I’ve managed to put together 3 shows, 3 flyers (working on those GD skillz, I swear), 3 lists and every week, people seem pretty happy with the product.
Most importantly, people seem happy.
Comics seem happy AND they seem excited.
Even if I’m not a part of it, even if I’m not one of their friends, even if I’m still the 2nd most hated comic in the scene behind Jesse Lopez (who, by the way, had some very sincere and kind things to say about the performers and Sweetwater last night) –
I can’t explain how much joy it brings me to have a stage for them (Comics) to kill hard on AND a place for them to enjoy laughs and the company of friends.
I can’t explain how much joy it brings me to see how genuinely comics feel GOOD at or after a Sweetwater show.
I can’t explain how much joy it brings me to see that a performance/night at Sweetwater makes a comic look at their months of mic after mic (after mic after mic) and think “Worth it.”
THAT is what I want Sweetwater to be.
THAT is what Austin Comedy and Austin Comics deserve.
THAT…is just so…freakin’ awesome.
No more losing confidence.
No more brain fog getting in the way.
This baby o’ mine is growing fast and bringing way too much good to others to let negativity potentially take anything away from it again.
I am not a failure.
This is not a failure.
THIS — makes the 2.5 years worth it.
Chill the fuck out, Kate.