I wrote this the day after he raped me for the first time.
The men in the real world are still just as scary and invalidating as they were back then. I still know that I am merely an object to most of them, and if I’m not fucking them, I am nothing. | KLB 2/9/18
And even if I am fucking them, I’m still, very much, nothing. | KLB 2/24/18
I know no one reading this will feel any sympathy, and will likely rejoice in what I’m about to admit, but here goes…
I’ve been called a lot of terrible things – a bad mom being one – but “liability” is the word that fucks with me the most.
Do you know what it’s like to be reduced to a liability? And what hurts worse – when people who never tried to get to know you have labeled you something so harsh or when someone who is telling you they love you while explaining that because you’re a liability the two of you will never ever talk again…
How can you love…and abandon….at the same time?
Why do people need to do this to people they love? This toxic system has created this community where career and humanity cannot co-exist…but even outside of comedy. I’ve been called a liability for well over a decade.
Just because of who I am. My true self is so “wrong” – I’m a liability. I’m not an equal. I’m not a comic. I’m not a good mom. I deserve it. I’m nothing.